Tag Archives: original


(from DUOS by Erik J Skinner ©2009)
Ski masks?
Glass cutter?
Walkie talkies?
Custard pie?
Custard pie. I put it on the list.
“No you didn’t”
Yes I did, right after orange juice.
“What orange juice?”
Shoot… I added it to the wrong list…
“What do we need custard pie for? We’re robbing a bank.”
It’s my calling card, Darrel. I can’t pull off a heist without leaving my trademark custard pie booby trap in the vault.
“I didn’t know you did that.”
I do. Then they read the note that says, ‘Looks like you got pie on your face.’ Jesus Darrel, do you even read the itineraries I put together?
“Not really. I usually just sit in the van, so…”
If you’re ever going to advance in this business beyond being the ‘sit-in-the-van’ guy, you have to start being more involved in these heists.
“I kind of like being the ‘sit-in-the-van’ guy.”
I am astonished. Astonished and offended. Where’s your passion? I remember the look in your eyes that first time I came back through those un­marked van doors carrying armfuls of money bags. It was like a child seeing fireworks for the first time. Where has the magic gone, Darrel? Where has it gone?
“I just like sitting in the van.”
Fine, let all your potential just slip away. I’m going in there, but I’m not going to enjoy it. You’ve broken my heart Darrel.
“What about the pie?”
Oh damn, that’s right, the pie. Is there a grocery store around here?
“Couple blocks back. I think they’re closed though.”
Nonsense, grocery stores are open 24 hours these days!
“Fine, we’ll go take a look.”
That’s it, get back into it! We’re making it happen! Look at us go! Exciting, eh?
“It’s closed.”
Shoot. Guess we should just call it a night then. Let’s go home.
“You think Mom will have hot chocolate ready for us?”
Oh that would be bliss, just bliss… damn it, hot chocolate was on the wrong list too.

Sign Salesman

(originally posted October 25, 2010)

Sign Salesmen: Hello, what can I do for you?
Customer: I’d like to buy a sign.
SS: Of course! Which one would you like?
C: Over there, the one that says “not for sale”
SS: Oh…
C: What’s wrong?
SS: I’m terribly sorry, but that sign isn’t for sale.
C: What do you mean, this is a sign store!
SS: Yes, but as you can see it is clearly marked, “not for sale”
C: But that’s what the sign says. You’re selling a sign that says “not for sale.”
SS: Except not, because that sign is not for sale.
C: How is it… Fine, can I buy that “for sale” sign and that “not” sign next to it.
SS: Of course! May I ask what you’ll be using them for?
C: I have a boat in my driveway people keep asking about buying, so I’m going to put “not for sale” on it so they’ll stop bothering me.
SS: Completely understandable. You know, I could save you some time and attach the signs together for you, no extra charge.
C: Now you’re talking.
SS: It’ll take just a few minutes.
C: Great. (five minutes pass)
SS: Alright, the signs have been combined.
C: Fantastic! How much do I owe?
SS: It’ll be… Er…
C: What now?
SS: I can’t sell you this sign.
C: Why the hell not?
SS: It says right here, “not for sale”

Please Shred

(originally posted Jan. 14 2011)

Boss: What is this stack of papers still doing here?
Employee: What do you mean?
Boss: This stack of papers. There was a note on them that said ‘Please Shred’
Employee: Oh right, I did.
Boss: But the stack of papers is still here.
Employee: Right…
Boss: Intact.
Employee: Yes.
Boss: The note said ‘Please Shred’!
Employee: I did.
Boss: Clearly you didn’t.
Employee: Of course I did, do you see that note anywhere?
Boss: No, just the stack of papers.
Employee: Exactly. I shredded the note as it asked.
Boss: Shred the stack of papers!
Employee: That’s not what the note said!